077 | When the Willpower Runs Out

The lawyers I talk to tend to think if they had more willpower, they’d be able to stick to their money plans and achieve their goals.

It’s a common misconception. It doesn’t work and leads to you feeling exhausted and inevitably beating yourself up for failing yet again.

In this episode, let’s talk about why willpower doesn’t work and what to try instead.

Lightly edited transcript appears after the show notes.

Topics Discussed

• what willpower is
• how to know when you’re trying to achieve a goal through willpower
• why willpower doesn’t work
• what to try instead

Listen to the Episode

Resources mentioned

Episode 76: It’s Always a Choice

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If you’re ready to learn the mindset and strategies to master your money, let’s schedule a call.

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Email: hello@rhothomas.com

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Lightly Edited Transcript

Hey friend. Welcome back to the show. I hope you are doing well and having an amazing day so far. So today we are talking about willpower. I hear willpower come up a lot when I’m talking to lawyers who are struggling with living paycheck to paycheck and don’t know where their money is going and they want to make a change in the way they manage their finances. Often they’ll say things like, Oh, I just need more willpower and I’d be able to do it. And that’s not it at all. That’s a common misconception about what it takes to really make change in your life. Everyone thinks about willpower and buckling down, make the change and sticking to it. And I disagree, which is why I won’t talk about it. It kind of goes hand in hand with the conversation last week about deprivation. So if you missed that one, be sure you haven’t listened to it. But willpower and probation are not helpful when you’re trying to change the way you handle your money because you want to make a lasting change in your life. You don’t want to just fall down to pay off your debt and then go back and check paycheck and not know where your money’s going it takes more than willpower to make a real change. So first, let’s get a definition of willpower to your advantage. I found that I think the real point of our conversation today, willpower is control exerted to do something or restrain impulses control exerted to do something or restrain impulses on the surface. That sounds kind of good, right? I guess I could exert control and restrain my impulses and fix my money. When you really think about it. Do you wanna be controlled? Because I don’t I don’t. I think mostly exerting control is very draining, and trying to make yourself do something that you don’t want to do. It’s exhausting because you’re using so much energy trying to force your way towards what you want, almost fighting yourself. You need about willpower or about achieving the results you want in a different way because willpower will only work for so long. The reason why willpower doesn’t work is exactly because you’re fighting against yourself. You’re putting these restraints on yourself and telling yourself you can’t do this. You can’t do that and may be able to maintain that for a little while right? To make yourself in line, but that energy wears down and when energy is depleted, then you get into whatever those things aren’t you been trying to control yourself, restrain yourself from getting into shopping, going out to eat taking a trip, whatever it is for you. You know that you’re trying to make a change from willpower when you’re saying things like I can’t have this I can’t do that I just have to bow down or when can’t wait until you reach a goal so you can live your life where you want to. Or if you think you just need a break from where you’ve been managing the money. None of that’s gonna be sustainable long term. And we talked about it in the context of budgeting before when people say things like I can’t walk on a budget or I can’t go on vacation. I’m on a budget as if being on a budget is synonymous with not having these things or not doing these things. That you want to do your body to just a plan for how you’re gonna spend money and it can include going out to eat vacations, whatever else you want it to include. But the point is you’re making an intentional plan for how much you’re gonna spend in those areas so that you can use your money for the things that matter to you. With any habit you’re on chain. You want to get a sustainable lifestyle change, which means changing our relationship with money with food with whatever the thing is that you want to change because if you don’t then you will continually be butting up yourself and try to control yourself and resisting this thing by trying to make yourself do this thing to get a result. So when I think about making money, just think about the overall goal they have for the money. So it’s not about I can’t do this or I can’t do that. You can do whatever you want to write your goal and you can choose what you want with the money. But you wanna think about the grand scheme here, so think about the goals that you have for yourself. Often we don’t think about our goals when we’re spinning money day to day is just swiping and tapping the credit card or ordering stuff online and not thinking about the impact that has on the bigger goal. With every dollar you spend, you’re making a trade off. And so when you’re thinking about the goals you have and taking them consideration when you’re spending, then you’re thinking about those trade offs, right, I might choose not to spend on this thing right now. So that I can have more money to make progress on this goal that I have. And recognizing that by spending on a thing, I wouldn’t be able to use that money for my goal. So rather than trying to control myself and push myself into doing the right thing, right thing I’m supposed to do. Instead I’m making decisions because I want something different. You’re making different decisions because you want something different for your life. You’re not beating yourself in submission trying to stick to the plan because it’s the responsible thing to do and what you’re supposed to do. If you want do better with your money. And so instead of trying to stick to willpower control yourself and make yourself do it, you’re making a plan for how you’re going to use your money rather money to move you closer to your goal. And then you’re sticking to that plan and noticing when you want to get off track with plan and then explore why question if this thing that would take you off track is more important. To you and a long term goal. But when you’re doing that, not from this place of restriction and beating yourself up from a place of love or compassion for yourself to what you want for your life in the future. Many of my clients when we first started working together, were spending $1,000 A month eating out I didn’t realize it they had these other goals but they didn’t have money. To put towards food. So once we start working together, they may decide they’re gonna spend less in this area as well. But eating out is the common one across the line. So that’s what I’m talking about when they decide to put more money toward a goal they have. So let’s say they’re spending $2,000 a month. Maybe they spend 1500 A month going out the instead that’s a choice that making them closer to whatever goal they’re working on building their savings, paying off debt, whatever. Sometimes they may have quite hit the goal. They have four people a month. So maybe they were aiming to do X amount of debt this month, but they spent 1.2. So they’re only able to pay half the way they treat themselves. If they don’t hit that goal shows whether it’s a lifestyle change, or they’re trying to make themselves do something through willpower. Well, that’s all changed. They’re not getting saved up and see I knew I couldn’t do it and all that it’s recognizing that you’re closer to where they want to be and acknowledging the team, even if it’s not quite as much as they wanted to be in that month. They are closer to the goal they have often. And then the first company they’re not making payment on their debt at all. So recognizing, hey, I’m able to make a payment on this debt this month. Maybe it’s not as large of a payment as I was looking for, but it’s looking for because they’re not coming from this willpower I have to be in place. They can have that compassion for themselves and celebrate the progress that they were able to make and then evaluate how they’re gonna try and they’re gonna do differently next time. If making a plan for how we’re going to spend we go out to eat or we go shopping, or we go on vacation versus just liking them beat yourself up for the fact that you spent too much and you’re not able to make any progress on it noticing we spend more than you wanted to and evaluating why and what you’re gonna change going forward. willpower will not work long term. It’s not sustainable. It feels bad and it drains your energy because you’re literally trying to force yourself to do something versus making a sustainable lifestyle change, deciding what you want your future to look like and planning how to get there. And then following that plan and fall off track with that plan being gracious to yourself, not being yourself, not thinking about it from this restrictive place, but from a place of okay, this worked. This didn’t work. Now I’m going to try this other thing. Going forward. Help me stay on track next time. And because you’re going from this place of looking at what you want it to be, and making decisions from that place versus trying to control yourself and beat yourself up to the future that you’re trying to get to, you’re gonna be able to sustain it a lot easier. You’re going to enjoy your life more and you’re going to enjoy the process of getting to the goal more. It won’t feel like deprivation like we talked about last week, because it’s a lifestyle change that you’ve made. It’s not going against the grain and, you know, telling yourself I can’t wait until I’m finished so I can live my life. It’s living life right now. I know I draw this parallel a lot, but it reminds me of dieting when people can’t wait until their cheat day. That’s how you know it’s not a lifestyle change. It feels like a deprivation thing for them. What they’re doing is not something that they want to do long term. They are restricting themselves trying to control themselves versus changing the way they live their life, the way that they manage their food, you know, that kind of thing. And so it’s the same thing with your money. You’re not restricting yourself and tell yourself I can’t do this and I can’t do that. And just trying to willpower your way through and buckle down. It’s changing the way that you view your money, the way that you manage your money, your relationship with money for your life so that you can get to the goal that you have, but you will continue to manage your money in that way going forward. So those are my thoughts on willpower and how to handle it. If you know that you want to improve your relationship with money and pay off your debt and build savings from a place of more ease. You’re tired of beating yourself up and telling yourself that you’re doing it wrong and all of that, please reach out to me and let’s talk about how we can work together you can head to rho thomas.com/call. Come over and connect me on social media. I am most often on Instagram and LinkedIn and my handle Instagram is @iamrhothomas. Please also take a second to subscribe to the show and leave a review that would help more people to find the show. And of course share with your friends is greatly appreciated. As we close out friend I pray that you notice where you’re trying to willpower, your way to managing money better. I pray that you identify what you want for your life and decide to make a lifestyle change to get it and as always I pray that you continue to take steps to regain control your time, build wealth and live the life of freedom and choice you deserve. Talk to you later.