Tomorrow is not promised. But we tend to prioritize things that are ultimately unimportant in the grand scheme of life over the people and things that matter most to us.
Let’s explore this tendency to put off the things we really care about and how we can live more fully and intentionally now.
Lightly edited transcript appears after the show notes.
Topics we explore
- our tendency to put off the things and people we care about in favor of things we don’t really value
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how we can live more fully and intentionally now
Resources mentioned
Lifestyle Freedom Starter Guide: https://www.rhothomas.com/start
Wealthyesque, Episode 1: https://www.rhothomas.com/670000-debt-changed-everything/
Wealthyesque, Episode 8: https://www.rhothomas.com/make-yourself-a-priority-in-your-own-life/
Top Five Regrets of the Dying by Bronnie Ware: https://www.amazon.com/Top-Five-Regrets-Dying-Transformed/dp/1401956009/
Wealthyesque, Episode 10: https://www.rhothomas.com/the-lie-of-success/
About George Kinder: https://www.kinderinstitute.com/george-kinder/
Kinder Questions: https://youstaywealthy.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/Kinder-3-Questions_v2.pdf
Connect with me
The Wealthyesque Community: https://www.rhothomas.com/community
Social media: @iamrhothomas on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter
Email: hello@rhothomas.com
Lightly Edited Transcript
Hey friend! Welcome back to Wealthyesque.
Thank you so much for joining me today. I know we’ve all got so much going on, so I really appreciate you spending some time with me.
Like many of you, I’m deeply saddened by the passing of Justice Ginsburg. She was an icon who fought for change until the end.
And aside from all the political implications of her passing, her death and other losses I’ve experienced have me thinking a lot about this tendency we have to put things off for later. I was already planning to talk about this topic this week, but it feels all the more timely now.
Typically, I’d give you a few bullet points of things I’m going to talk about here, but I was having trouble trying to break this topic into neat little talking points, so I’m just going to talk, and we’ll see where it goes.
So let’s jump in.
We tend to think that there will always be time to do the things that we want to do, and so we keep putting them off. And it’s not just anything that we put off. It’s often the things and the people we claim are most important to us.
We put in so much time, effort, and energy at work, and we chase success, and we check things off our to-do lists, all the while neglecting the things that really matter most.
We say that once we get to X level or reach Y goal, then we’ll slow down and spend more time with the family. Or start the family. Or go after the dream that’s been tugging at us forever. Or just rest.
“I’ll get to that later.”
“There will be time for that later.”
But what happens if “later” never comes?
Tomorrow isn’t promised, and things rarely happen the way we plan them.
Sure, we need to work to make money. And we need to keep our households running. And maybe we need to check those things off our to-do list. (That one’s debatable because some of us put stuff on our lists that we know good and well shouldn’t be there.)
But of all the things we have going on in life, all the craziness and the competing demands for our time and attention, the people in our lives and our own well-being are way more important than everything else. We have to make space for ourselves and take time for our loved ones.
I think a lot of us never truly consider that all the things that we’re putting off for later might never happen. Think about all that has happened in this year alone. We never could have predicted this year turning out the way it has. I’ve cried a lot because there is so much going on.
I’ve personally lost a number of friends and colleagues. I lost two of my colleagues back-to-back within a week a few months ago. One of my friends at work passed a couple weeks ago. And most recently, one of my sorority sisters died of breast cancer this week. She was 29.
All of this on top of the prominent figures we’ve lost, the slew of deaths of Black men and women at the hands of the police, and all the people who have lost their lives in the pandemic.
Life is short and unpredictable. It’s so fragile. I’ve said that a lot over the last six months especially.
And yet, we still put off the things that are most important to us. We’ll get around to them when things settle down at work and we have more time.
We won’t just magically have more time. There’s always something to fill that void. We have to make time.
We tend to prioritize the wrong things. We continue to make work a priority when we’re just an option. We continue to focus on all the laundry and the dishes and whatever else needs to be done around the house, when our kids just want to play with us.
And on the work front, yes, we need to do our jobs. We need money to pay our bills and feed our families, and many of us want to build sustainable careers.
But is all that worth the expense of your own well-being and your relationships and the other things that you say matter most to you.
At the end of the day, your employer is a business. You are a resource, and you are replaceable.
Some people saw that firsthand in this pandemic as firms were furloughing and laying people off left and right. We are an expense and with the financial uncertainty that a lot of firms were facing, they had to make some difficult decisions.
But some of those people who were furloughed, who were laid off, were devoting a lot of their time to their firm. Making sacrifices for their firm. Coming in early. Staying late. Cancelling plans. Delaying life. And for what?
We have to take care of #1, which is ourselves and our families and other loved ones. It’s so important.
I saw a quote once I think in a devotional that said, “Kids grow up and spouses drift apart while you’re continually promising later.”
Let that sink in. We keep putting all of our focus, all of our time on these things that in the grand scheme don’t matter, and neglecting the people and things that do.
If you’re not investing in your relationships, they’re dying. The things we don’t pay attention to die.
Many of us say that family is our priority, but when you really look at it, it’s not true. Because we’re too busy to take a full week off for vacation, to unplug and just spend time with them. We can’t hang out without checking our email. We miss dinner for work. We cancel plans. We don’t know how to just be in the moment. So is family really a priority?
And then there’s the self-care aspect.
If you’ve been around for a while, you know I’ve struggled with this. And if you’re new, welcome! If you want to know what I’m talking about, head back to episode 1 and episode 8 where I touch on my struggle.
But anyway, our society is so obsessed with productivity and doing more and doing it faster. And lawyers tend to wear busyness as a badge of honor.
“Oh I’m so slammed.”
We do this weird bragging thing about how little sleep we got.
We feel guilty for taking a break or doing something just for fun.
We don’t know how to not work on vacation.
In short, we don’t know how to take care of ourselves.
There’s this book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying where a nurse talks about the most common things she heard from her patients who were at the end of their lives.
You know what one of the top regrets is? They wish they hadn’t worked so much. They wish they had spent more time with their loved ones and realize all the life they missed out on while they were working.
Another powerful regret on the list: They wish they had the courage to live a life true to themselves and not the life others expected of them.
This was the top regret, and it’s similar to our conversation about success. Head back to episode 10, if you missed that.
But at the end of their lives, these patients are thinking about all of the things they didn’t do, all the dreams they let die.
What things have you not done that you’ve been putting off for “later”? Who have you not checked in with because you’ll get to it later?
We talk about the future so cavalierly, but tomorrow isn’t promised. All we have is today.
I definitely have areas where I need to do better, but all that has happened this year is part of why I started this podcast.
It’s something I’ve been saying I wanted to do for a long time—not necessarily a podcast, but something specifically to address the problems I was hearing from other lawyers—and I just hadn’t really put effort into getting it going.
Earlier this year, just before the pandemic hit actually, I decided that I was going to move forward with it and started making plans for how to do it and finally launched.
I think that the main idea, the main thing is to take steps to live the life you want to live today, and not keep putting the things you really want off for tomorrow. Tomorrow may never come.
Stop putting all of your focus on things that don’t matter in the grand scheme and pushing all the important things to some unknown point later.
Look at your time and the things that you say are priorities and see how well the way you spend your time matches with those things.
Be more intentional with your life. And I know it’s a lot easier to live more intentionally when you have a financial cushion and you’re not so dependent on your job for income and you’re not worried about losing your job or worried about the implications of your choices on your job.
That’s why I talk about the money piece in tandem with mindset strategy. As I say all the time, it’s not about the money. It’s about the freedom of choice that the money can provide.
But getting back to living intentionally, there’s a gentleman named George Kinder who is a certified financial planner, and he created 3 questions to help people think through how they truly want to live their lives.
These questions are a great way to think through both where you want to spend your time and where you need to make changes in your life to get to that point that you want to be.
I want you to really do this exercise. I’ll put the questions in the show notes, which you can always find at rhothomas.com/[the episode number], so the show notes for this episode are at rhothomas.com/14.
Don’t just passively listen to this. Really do the work to get to the life you want to live.
So the first question:
I want you to imagine that you are financially secure, that you have enough money to take care of your needs, now and in the future. The question is, how would you live your life? What would you do with the money? Would you change anything? Let yourself go. Don’t hold back your dreams. Describe a life that is complete, that is richly yours.
And of course the first question here is to help you identify what really matters to you in life. Taking away the financial considerations helps you get to that point because for a lot of us, the financial piece, the need to make money, directs a lot of what we do.
But if money weren’t a concern, how would you be living your life? Would you still be doing the things that you’re doing now?
Okay, the second question imagines that you have less time, so it says:
This time, you visit your doctor who tells you that you have five to ten years left to live. The good part is that you won’t ever feel sick. The bad news is that you will have no notice of the moment of your death. What will you do in the time you have remaining to live? Will you change your life, and how will you do it?
Looking at this question really puts a bigger focus on today. You can’t keep putting off the things that are important to you because you don’t have until “later” anymore. Later is a lot closer than you probably anticipated.
This question definitely highlights the importance of living life the way that you want to live it today. If you can sit down and consider what you really want to be doing, what’s really important to you, you can take steps toward it now.
You can start crafting the life that you want to live now. It might not be exactly what you want right now, but you can start incorporating more of the things that you want to do and get closer to that life that you really want to live.
It goes back to what we always talk about with taking more control of your time now, even before you reach a point that you don’t need your job. By shifting your mindset and taking actions like setting stronger boundaries and making yourself a priority and recognizing that your job is what you do, not who you are, you can have more control of your time.
Okay in the final question he says:
This time, your doctor shocks you with the news that you have only one day left to live. Notice what feelings arise as you confront your very real mortality. Ask yourself: What dreams will be left unfulfilled? What do I wish I had finished or had been? What do I wish I had done? [Did I miss anything]?
This one will really highlight where your life is out of line with what you say you want to be doing. What’s coming up for you here? Are your priorities in line with the life that you want to live? Are you spending time on the things that you really care about?
I highly doubt that if you only had one day left to live you would wish that you had time to work more. You’d probably wish that you had spent more time with your family or had chased that dream that’s been on your heart for a long time or had done X experience.
Don’t put those things off for later. We have no idea if later will come. Figure out how to make it happen now. Prioritize the things that matter most to you now so that you won’t have regret down the line.
Design your life so that it fits your values and your priorities and take steps to live the life that you want to live now. Don’t wait for some arbitrary later point to do it because that point may never come.
Okay let’s recap:
1. We tend to put off the people and things that matter most to us for tomorrow, but tomorrow isn’t promised.
2. We will never magically have more time. There’s always more to do. We have to make time for ourselves and the people and things that are important to us.
3. Consider your relationship with your employer. Are you making your job a priority, when you’re just an option?
4. One of the top regrets people have at the end of their lives is wishing they hadn’t worked so much. Another is wishing they had the courage to live a life true to themselves and not the life others expected of them.
5. We can all benefit from being more intentional with the way we live our lives. Going through an exercise like the Kinder questions can help you identify the life you want to live so you can take the necessary steps to get there.
Okay that’s it for this episode. Join me over in our private Facebook community, The Wealthyesque Community. I’d love to know your thoughts on prioritizing the things that really matter and living more intentionally.
If you got value from today’s episode, please subscribe to the show on whatever platform you’re listening on so you’ll be notified when new episodes are released. I’d also appreciate if you’d leave me a written review, which tells these platforms that this show is valuable and helps more people find it.
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And if you want to connect with me on social media, I’m @iamrhothomas on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter.
As we close out friend, I pray that you get clarity on what truly matters to you in life.
I pray that you start to live more fully and more in alignment with your priorities now and don’t keep waiting for later.
And as always, I pray that you continue to take steps to regain control of your time, build wealth, and live the life of freedom and choice you deserve.
Talk to you later.
Hi, I’m Rho! I’m a wife, mom, and Biglaw associate who believes that true wealth is having control of your time. I help busy lawyers like you take back control of your time by teaching you how to achieve lifestyle freedom through mindset shifts and financial independence. Read a little more about me here.