328 | How Borrowed Desires Steal Your Wealth

Have you ever bought something just because you saw other people with it?

It’s a common experience, but it’s costing you more than the price of whatever you bought.

In this episode, let’s talk about how spending in this way leads to financial sabotage and some practical steps to overcome it.

• • wanting something because other people have it

  • questions to consider when thinking about a purchase

  • how buying things based on what other people want sabotages your finances

  • spending in line with your values

  • practical steps to avoid spending based on what other people have

You’re listening to Personal Finance for Lawyers. I’m Rho Thomas, and as a busy wife, mom, and former Biglaw associate, I know all too well the tension between the culture of the legal profession and pretty much everything else you want to do in life. That’s why each week, I’m bringing you the information and tools you need to improve your money mindset and manage your money to create true wealth. Because ultimately, it’s not about the money. It’s about the freedom and flexibility the money affords.

Hey friend. Welcome back. I hope you’ve had a good week so far.

So today I want to talk about borrowed desires. As many of you know, I have two kids, and because I’m a parent, I follow some parenting accounts on Instagram, and one of them recently posted about their kid coming home from school wanting some new something because all the kids in her class had it.

The parent had a conversation with the daughter and was talking about how sometimes we want things because we actually want them, but sometimes we want things because other people want them. And she called those borrowed desires.

As I was thinking about this concept, I realized that that doesn’t go away once you finish grade school. There are a lot of adults who are operating on borrowed desires as well.

I remember one of my clients talking about seeing other people taking vacations and feeling like she should be taking the same kinds of vacations. I remember another client talking about wanting this particular designer bag because she had seen some influencer or something have that bag. In those instances and others that are similar, sometimes we don’t actually want this thing. It’s that we’re seeing other people have it. We think it’s cool, and so we want it as well.

The mom from the Instagram post asked her daughter two questions. She said first, “Were you unhappy with what you had before you noticed that everyone else had this other thing?” And then, second, “If nobody else had this other thing. Would you still want it?”

I think those are excellent questions for all of us to consider when we’re thinking about a purchase, just because we’ve seen somebody else have it or do it or whatever it is. It is a very common experience. I think it’s a very human experience.

But when we’re talking about managing your money better, building wealth, creating freedom, you really want to be mindful of purchases that are coming from borrowed desires because you’re spending this money, but it’s not even something that you want.

Have you ever had that situation where you bought something because you saw everybody else had it, you really want this thing, and then you buy it, and a month or two later, you don’t even care about it anymore? That’s what happens when you’re buying from borrowed desire versus your true desire, versus what you actually want.

When we make purchases from this place, it slowly sabotages our finances because you’re spending more, right? You’re spending because you see that other people have this thing, and I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with spending. I have said a lot over the years. I am not one of those people that says you just can’t spend anything and you have to stay in the house and look at the wall and do no spend months and all of that.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with spending, but I think you want to spend with intention. And when you’re spending just because you see that other people have something, you’re not spending with intention. You’re spending out of impulse, and it’s not spending that’s actually increasing your happiness. It’s not spending that’s bringing something to your life. You just want to follow the crowd.

This type of spending also plays heavily into lifestyle creep. We have talked about lifestyle creep before, but if you’re not familiar with the concept, it is this idea that our lifestyle starts costing more. You know, you’re probably not living the same way that you were living when you were in law school, or when you were a more junior associate, or earlier on in your career.

Slowly you start to spend more on things. Some things that you once considered luxuries become necessities, and they’re something that becomes a part of your monthly spend. And so your lifestyle starts costing more.

When you’re buying because you see other people have it, then you’re always buying more. It never stops. You see this person bought this new car. Now I’m going to buy a new car. That person bought that new bag. I’m going to buy the bag. This person did a vacation to this place. Now I’m going to take a vacation to this place, and so inevitably, your lifestyle costs more year after year.

And finally, when talking about how spending on borrowed desire sabotages your finances, remember that we’ve talked about the fact that you are always having to make trade-offs with your money. Any dollar that you spend on one thing is a dollar you can’t use for something else.

So when you’re spending money on things just because other people have them, that’s money that now can’t go toward your goals, that can’t go toward paying off your debt or building your savings or building your investments. You are literally taking money out of your own pocket for something that you don’t actually want. I want you to consider that when you have these types of purchases come up.

So the next time you are thinking of making a purchase because you’ve seen a lot of people have it, or maybe you’ve seen it around Instagram or TikTok or YouTube or whatever your social media of choice is. You see this thing all the time. You’re thinking, “I really want this thing.” I want you to stop and ask yourself whether you actually want it, or if it’s just something that you’ve seen a lot, you’ve seen other people have, and you think that you should have it too.

This also goes back to an exercise that I’ve talked about over the years, which is sitting down and thinking about what you value, because I think that can be a guiding light for your spending. If you decide that I value these five things or these 10 things or whatever your list is—I wouldn’t do more than 10—but think about what those 10 things are that you value the most, that bring you joy, that make you happy, and see if this thing that you’re considering buying fits within that list, fits within those things that you value.

I’m not saying that you can’t ever buy something just because other people have it, but I want you to think about it and be intentional and know that’s what you’re doing. Again, every dollar that you spend on these items is money that you cannot use for your own goals. So it’s money that’s not getting you toward financial freedom and building wealth and having more flexibility with your time. It is fine if you decide that yes, I do actually want this thing, but I want you to think about it and make that choice intentionally and not just do it impulsively or reflexively.

So now I want to give you a few practical steps that you can take to curb this kind of spending, and I think the underlying thread of all of these is giving yourself a pause between when you see the thing and when you decide to buy it. So the first is taking that step, like asking yourself, “Do I actually want this?” Right, taking a pause and considering, “Do I want this? Have I just seen a bunch of people have it and feel like I should have it too?” Sometimes that’s all you need.

The second thing that you can do is, if you decide that you’re going to buy it, put it in your shopping cart and just wait. Wait a few days, and come back to it and see if you still want it. Then, sometimes you see something and you’re like, “Oh yes, that’s perfect,” and you put it in your cart, and if you had given yourself time to think about it, to think about if you actually want it, all of that, you might not have bought it. There have been times that I’ve put stuff in the cart, and then I come back to it later, and I’m like, “Why was I even thinking about this? Why was I even planning to get this? It’s not something that I actually want or need.” So, giving yourself that space allows your brain to really consider if this is something that you want to buy or not.

And then the final thing, we talked about how sometimes you’ll see things with influencers and stuff on social media. If there are certain accounts where you see yourself buying all the time, this person just bought that. That’s a great idea. I’m gonna buy it. That person just got this. I’m gonna get it. If there are certain accounts that you find yourself buying from all the time, and you realize that you don’t actually use those things or you don’t actually want those things, just go ahead and unfollow those accounts, and then you don’t even see it in the first place.

I know that that doesn’t necessarily help with real life stuff, like when you’re seeing people in real life. But I know a lot of shopping purchases, shopping purchases. I know a lot of shopping happens online now, and a lot of it is influenced by these different people on social media. So, if there are certain ones that you find yourself always following, always copying the things that they purchase, maybe unfollow those accounts for a little bit to give yourself a break.

The main thing I want you to take away from this episode is making spending decisions for other people or based on what other people want does not move you toward your own goals. I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with spending, but I think you want to be intentional about it and make sure that you’re spending on things that you actually care about, especially because the money that you spend on those things is taking away from money that could get you to freedom.

If you would like help with managing your finances better, figuring out these types of decisions, apply for a coaching session at rhothomas.com/apply. I’d be happy to help you.

All right, that is it for this week’s episode. Please share with a friend or two who you think could use this information. That is how we get the information in the hands of more lawyers. And as always, I appreciate your support.

As we close out, friend, I pray that you take the information you learn here, apply it in your life, and open up to the realization that wealth is available to you. As you do that consistently, week after week, you’ll continue to take steps to take back control of your time, build wealth, and live the life of freedom and choice you deserve. Talk to you later.